Remember when we were kids and had to figure out how to deal with problems way bigger than us? We all came up with our own little tricks - read coping mechanisms - usually without a wise, tuned-in adult around to help. Now, let me be clear—this isn’t about blaming anyone, it's about gaining clarity.
Now let’s unpack what that looked like because it's not as simple as it seems.
Maybe we had adults in our lives who were wise and compassionate. But:
1. They might not have been there at that exact moment when we needed them. Or they were there, but didn't notice we were struggling.
2. They might have been present and kind but just didn’t have the right tools to help us make better choices around our problems.
3. Or, they had all the tools in the world and all the compassion too, but they were distracted. (Life happens, right?)
This isn’t about pointing fingers. It's just how things go. We, as kids, didn’t have the skills to figure life out, and neither did the adults around us all the time. And guess what? When we internalized those coping mechanisms, we were under the age of 12. Some even say before 8. So really, how could we be to blame?
Fast forward to today...
Now here we are—adults with jobs, kids, responsibilities. But those old coping mechanisms? Surprisingly, they're still hanging out with us, running the show in sneaky ways. They show up when we're stressed, tired, or just trying to make it through the day.
As Carl Jung said, our job now is to become aware of those automatic habits and grow beyond them. Sounds easy, right? Except… these habits are deep. And trying to change them by sheer force of will is a recipe for burnout.
So, what do we do? We need a new approach—one that doesn’t involve us turning into drill sergeants with ourselves. And here's where it gets tricky: a lot of us have a deep, ingrained belief that we can’t be kind to ourselves AND get stuff done. We think if we’re too nice to ourselves, we’ll get lazy, everything will fall apart, and next thing you know, we’re in trouble with the imaginary adults in our heads—parents, teachers, religious figures, you name it.
This is where our brains freeze up. How are we supposed to be kind to ourselves AND change these old, automatic behaviors?
When you're at your weakest, old habits win
Here’s the kicker: when we’re exhausted, triggered, or under pressure, we’re at our most vulnerable. That’s when our old habits swoop in, and we beat ourselves up about it afterward. It’s a vicious cycle: we feel guilty, ashamed, defeated—and then, boom!—we’re back to the same old behavior.
One of my clients, for example, is a physician who’s working on curbing her late-night snacking habit. She’s pretty good during the day—she’s aware, only eats when she’s hungry, the whole bit. But come nighttime? She’s snacking without even realizing it. It’s like autopilot takes over.
When I coached her, we dug into why. Turns out, by the time she’s wrapping up her workday—still trying to finish charts, exhausted, and mentally drained—her willpower is out the window. She’s heading straight to the pantry without even feeling hungry.
But then she had an “aha” moment. She realized she wasn’t doing herself any favors by waiting until the hardest time of the day to practice a new, compassionate response. She saw that if she didn’t wait until Thursday night, when she’s at her lowest point, but instead filled her tank every day with some self-kindness, she wouldn’t be so depleted by the end of the week.
By building some healthy, compassionate practices into her daily routine, she could avoid hitting empty. Think of it this way: instead of running her tank down to fumes and then wondering why she can’t think straight, she could keep it topped up with small acts of self-care throughout the week.
So, how do we do this?
The key is consistency. Don’t wait until you’re at your most exhausted, most frustrated, most depleted to try and break an old habit. Instead, build a daily routine that gives you that emotional and mental energy before you hit rock bottom.
Whether it’s taking five minutes to check in with yourself, journaling about your day, or even just reminding yourself that it’s okay to rest, these small acts of self-kindness keep your tank full. And when your tank is full, you’re much less likely to fall back on those old coping mechanisms you picked up as a kid.
This way, you’re not trying to solve grown-up problems with the skills of a 7-year-old. You’re stepping into your adult self—strong, compassionate, and totally capable of change. Because when you fill your tank daily, you’re setting yourself up for success, not survival.
Don’t wait for the wheels to fall off. Keep your emotional and mental energy up every day, and watch how much easier it gets to break those old, automatic habits—no violent, negative self-talk required!
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