We went rock climbing today.
I watched a mom belaying her 5-year-old daughter up a challenging wall, encouraging her to reach the top. The girl got really scared when she was almost at the top of the wall and started crying inconsolably. Mom coached her higher up despite her tears. She promised her ice cream if she reached the top and climbed back down.
Mom pushed and the kid continued. Finally, she reached the top and eventually she made it back down, still tearful. Once down, in between subs she asked if she could have ice cream. Mom said, no - you did not use the right color pins 😳
My heart broke watching her face.
Mom spent an entire afternoon with her child to do something she liked her kid to do (but her kid didn’t really want to do).
In the end, the kid didn't feel significant, safe, successful, or soothed.
This is a non-example of how sometimes adults “think” they are spending time with their children, building connection and bonding but in reality, it’s counterintuitive.
If you are spending time with your children to build connection, check to see if during this time your child feels:
🙌🏼seen
🙌🏼significant
🙌🏼successful
🙌🏼secure
🙌🏼soothed
I always remember C.G.Jung’s famous quote: ‘The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents.’
Quite often we expect our kids to reach the heights we never did as children. This puts unreasonable expectations on them and causes suffering for both the child and the parent.
Processing our emotions around our unmet needs is the best thing we can do to release our children from a burden that is not theirs to carry - the burden of our own unlived lives.
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